I’m…well. I don’t know. Which I guess is the whole point of this blog entry. I don’t really…know who I am. Sure, I grew up as a girl named Melissa and grabbed a nickname of Miku in High School and it’s stuck with me through college. Looking at my life right now, though…
I don’t know who I am. Here, let me clarify. At this point in my life…I like a lot of different things and enjoy them all equally. I love playing video games, I love being a writer, I strive to be a baker, I love to sing, I love the Japanese fashion style called Himekaji, but I also love dressing…natural. You know, like flowing skirts and dresses. The only way I can describe it is kind of like a hippy, but not really. Boho? Is that what they’re calling it now? Either way…All of these things have vastly different styles and I can’t seem to land on one or the other to focus on.
I want to dress in everything pink and floral and live in Japan and then I want to dress in dark maroons and live in a rainy city like London. I don’t know what I want or who I am, really. I love J-Pop music but I also love relaxing music that you might hear in a coffee shop. Then another day, I’m listening to hardcore rock. I’m just…a bubble of so many different things. I ping pong from one style to another faster than the seasons change. What I mean by all of this is that it’s kind of left me….unsure of what I really want to be. Maybe that’s okay, though? Maybe it’s okay to just like a lot of different things all the time. I just wish it didn’t leave me so…unfulfilled.
I feel like people who know they are a gamer 100% have a style and stick to it. Like you walk into their house and it’s super clean with modern looking furniture and a big TV with a big chair and set up. Or someone that knows they are a writer and embraces that lifestyle with everything they have. Sitting in coffee shops, writing all day, at home surrounded by vintage furniture and hundreds of notepads, warm lighting. Yet, you come in my house and it’s gaming equipment surrounded by crafts, surrounded by my iPad for writing and notes for my story, surrounded by pink accents and cute stuffed animals.
I’m just a mess. It honestly makes me feel so defeated. The Mr. told me that it was okay to like all of these different things. That I don’t have to dedicate everything to one or the other, but…I feel like if I don’t do that…what am I missing out on? What am I missing in the gaming world while I’m writing? What am I missing on my pink and cute themed Tumblr account while I’m gaming? I want to…do all the things I enjoy all at once. And have it make sense. But instead I’m left with this…mess of a life.
I guess for now I’ll just keep on keepin’ on. I’m happy, so. I guess it can’t be so bad to enjoy all of the things. I wish I could tell myself to land on one thing and stick with it, but…I’m honestly not sure that I could.
To be continued.